Playing away from home

Hello world, John here.

So, the blog has been quiet for a little while - largely because we haven't been swinging recently!  Sometimes, unfortunately, real life gets in the way of having copious amounts of sex with people you have just met.  It's been a mixture of work pressures, family issues, long-put-off DIY tasks, and Claire's forthcoming holidays that have led to our current swinging lull.

When Claire and I embarked on this new hobby of swinging this year, I somehow never thought it would be this easy, or this enjoyable.  We've had all kinds of sexy fun, with all kinds of very sexy people, and have not had a bad experience yet.  There hasn't been anything in the way of jealousy between Claire and I; in fact, I'd say our relationship and happiness have improved as a result.  We are certainly having a hell of a lot more sex - I mean with each other, as well as with other couples.  I didn't think we would do as much swinging as we have - I have been nicely surprised by how easy it has been!

So far, then, so good.  But there is an interesting situation coming up.  Claire is about go off on holiday for a few weeks on her own, whilst I stay at home with our son and do a bunch of DIY tasks around the house and garden.  Whilst she is gone, Claire is planning to hook-up with a guy she knew from before we met - or "an ex" as I like to call them.

For some reason, this has me a little nervous and uncomfortable.  This is unusual - this is the first time I have felt nervous and uncomfortable during our swinging experiments, and I'm trying to work out the exact reasons for it.  I think it's rooted in two things: some old-fashioned jealousy, and a long-term trust issue on my part.

I'm jealous about this situation for a couple of reasons.  First, there is the fact that Claire gets to go off on holiday by herself, and I'm stuck at home.  To be honest, that's not a massive deal to me.  Claire is a much more socially outgoing person than myself, and enjoys catching up with old friends - and she is a gregarious person with a wide social circle.  I'm really not!  So when Claire goes away on her own for a few weeks,  she will definitely not be "on her own" - she will be in the company of friends.  If I were to go away on holiday and leave Claire and our son behind, then I genuinely have no idea what I might do.  I do enjoy quiet and solitude, but if get more than about a day or two of it in a row, I start thinking too much, and wind up depressing the hell out of myself.  The logical thing is for Claire to go on her hols and be her outgoing and bubbly self, and catch up with friends.  It isn't logical for me to go on holiday by myself, since I genuinely wouldn't enjoy it. I'm still jealous though! Perhaps because she can do this, and I really can't.

In terms of being jealous about her having sex with another guy..... well, it's strange. It shouldn't be an issue.  In the course of our swinging, I've looked on whilst she has sucked other guy's dicks, been fucked hard in a variety of positions, sometime by men with (shock horror) cocks even bigger than mine!  And you know what - it hasn't bothered me in the slightest.  It's hard to be bothered by much when you yourself are also having sex, or have just come, or whatever.  There have been times when I've been "done", as it were, and sitting downstairs with a cup of coffee whilst Claire is still getting it on with another guy upstairs - and I haven't thought anything other than "You go, girl!".  So, why does the prospect of Claire with this other guy suddenly make me uncomfortable?  I think it is perhaps as simple as this; I'm jealous that she will be getting some, whilst I probably won't be.

Claire has made it clear that I can play while she is away - and I will have copious amounts of free time whilst she is gone (there isn't that much to do around the house).  But still, I will have my son to look after - so sneaking away for a quick fuck won't be easy.  And there remains the unfortunate but universal truth that it is much easier for women to pick up guys than it is for guys to pick up women.  Deep down, I guess, I'm jealous of this fact.   It boils down to "It's fine if Claire is getting some, as long as I am too!"

In terms of the long-term trust issue.  Well.....  I had thought this demon had been laid to rest years ago, but apparently it was dormant, not dead.  The trust issue essentially arises from the fact that I was involved in three different long-term relationships before I met Claire (not simultaneously!).  All three of those relationships ended when my partner was unfaithful.  That kind of thing can leave a bit an emotional mark.  For the first few years of mine and Claire's relationship, this was undeniably something that was at the back of my mind - but time, and Claire's absolute unwavering honesty and adoration, put any qualms I had to rest.  Besides anything else, the woman just can't lie!  When she does try to utter an untruth, she fails spectacularly.  It's actually kind of cute!

I trust my wife as much as I am humanly able to do so.  But in a fortnight's time she will be in another country, with a guy she has slept with previously, and will be sleeping with him again.  The rational part of my brain knows it is fun and games - a physical act, purely for pleasure.  But there is a tiny small voice in my brain whispering "Fool!  These last 11-years together have all been a lie! She has been having a long-distance affair all this time!  And now she will leave you!".

Clearly, this voice is irrational.  But the thing about irrational voices in your head is that they don't listen to reason!  This one won't shut up, despite my rational side pointing out how ridiculous the little voice is being!

But, you know what, at the end of the day, I don't think any of this is a bad thing.  I realize very strongly how lucky I am to have a woman like Claire - someone who is sexy, caring, attractive, and who bangs like a shithouse door in a gale.  I know that my insecurities can be channeled to do good rather than bad.  I can use them to keep me on my toes; make sure I stay attentive and attractive for my amazing partner, and keep her interested in me.  So fear not, random internet stranger (and you too, Claire, when you read this), because whilst I am jealous, it is only a smidgen.  I'm not green with envy, merely ever-so-slightly teal.  And the little voice in my head will go very quiet when it witnesses the amazingly erotic scenes that will be on display when Claire comes home, and a fortnight's worth of cold showers and long runs is forgotten in a frenzied bout of lustful lovemaking that will make the "Karma Sutra" look like the"Little book of Calm"!

:o)