Thoughts and feelings

Claire here.


Because we are a one car family again, I have had to book a rental car for Saturday - we both have dates. I (as previous) am meeting the dance teacher at 15:00 and John is meeting his mistress later for an all night engagement. So, one car will not do for Saturday, not at all. And, as I am filling out online booking forms, things run through my head.

The thing I think I want to capture, although I feel I will be hard pressed to do so, is about how the idea of leaving monogamy is affecting me.  I am, in a word, terrified.  I have experience of serial monogamy, as many of us do, but none whatsoever of polyamory.

To say that our relationship has been stormy would be actually about right.  We are both of us mercurial in temperament and intelligent. This does not make for an easy life. We argue, and we used to argue a lot. Sex was something that we had that I could rely on bringing us back together and keeping us sane. And it was always special, it continues to be special. But what if, through thrill seeking, sex ceases to be special between us? What if it becomes divisive instead of the tie that binds? 

I worry about it, and I am not a big worrier. I worry that I will wake up with a dead spot where my regard for my husband used to be.  Now, this has not happened in our 12 years together, not in the light of the morning when the storm has cleared.

I can remember from my past intimate relationships the moments when I looked at the young men and felt unadulterated contempt. I feel as though I am risking something precious and unique for something: momentary, fleeting. 

What I cling to in my fear is my love and respect for my husband.  I trust him, and I trust myself. There is no coercion on either part, and we can (either of us) pull the plug at any time.  

For the other people involved, I want to be as clear as possible with them about what I am after.  I do not want to confuse or hurt people who I want to have sex with, that would be no fun at all. 

My next post will hopefully be about bubble baths and body oil.